OBITUARIES OF 2006

Extracts from one or two obituaries which you may have missed this year:





Ipanema Huddle (Musician (1919-2006)

“... her early mastery of the Azorean slide trombone is said to have influenced men as different as Yehudi Menuhim and Shirley Bassey…”

Loon Gamelan (Politician, Statesman and Rumba Champion)

… guided his tiny Caribbean nation to independence through the choppy waters of the 1950’s. Will best be remembered for his cover version of I Enjoy Being A Girl which went to Number One in three countries none of them Britain…”

Professor Geraint Manifold (Plug Technologist (1942-2006)

… his work on rubber bung dynamics at the University of Wales during the 1970’s is still regarded as a benchmark in the field…”

Lt. Col. Jock Grant-Menzies (Soldier, Sailor, Tinker, Spy) (1918-2006)

… it was during the dark days of 1940 that the young subaltern won his George Cross for a daring raid on the Italian positions at Mascara in what was then Italian Somaliland and is now Carphone Warehouse.

Zinnia Thickness (Childrens’ Author) (1934-2006)
“...her own schooldays were fraught with loneliness, as pupils at St. Cedd’s were only allowed to send one letter a week, and that to the Home Secretary pressing for an early release for the school chaplain, the Rev. Glubb-Pasha.

Professor Sir Derek Snowball (Historian and Author) (1924-2006)
“… his 1961 book Marital Breakdown in Fifteenth Century Flanders brought him a worldwide audience and was later made into a film with Tony Curtis and Gina Lollobrigida.

‘Digger’ or ‘Chigger’ Boondock (Entertainer) (1929-2006)
“…one of the finest Post-War limbo dancers that Surrey has ever produced… Sadly, in later years Boondock became increasingly reclusive and would only speak through his solicitor, which was a small glove puppet called ‘My Solicitor Mr. Jowell.’

GIRLFRIEND TROUBLE

She announces that our whole relationship has been a mistake. I wish one of my mistakes brought me tea in bed every morning.

HOLOCAUST DENIAL

While David Irving and his ilk have undoubtedly got it wrong about the Holocaust, not all historical revisonism is to be sneered at. I for one would argue that the Swinging Sixties never actually happened - least of all in Hartlepool, where I think statistics show there were ten times as many woodbines smoked as spliffs. Not only that, but I think you'd find that Ken Dodd consistently outsold Jimi Hendrix and that no Afghan coats appeared until at least 1983.

I rest my case.

CRIME FICTION BLURBS

I've got a job writing crime fiction blurbs for MacMillan. This is what I've done so far:


A woman’s body is discovered face down in the peat outside a lonely Scottish castle, the only clues a large kitchen knife and an eight-page signed confession by the bloke that did it, but for grumpy middle-aged detective Rick Steinway zzz zzz…

When a well-respected authority of parasitic worms is found face down in the Serpentine with a rolled-up copy of Fiesta up his arse, Detective Inspector Henning Swarfega knows he has his work cut out for him...

When a retired art expert is found dead with twenty-four stab-wounds in the exact shape of Botswana on her ovaries, Detective Inspector Seaton Carew…

When a world-famous ballet-dancer is found hideously mutilated with a fish-slice in the menswear department of John Lewis, grizzled middle-aged sleuth D. I. Neil Soduku knows he has his work cut out for him. But first he must confront his demons and in particular the demon….

When well-known wine-critic and bon viveur Milton Obote is discovered lying face down tits up in a skip halfway up the London Eye, suspicion immediately falls on the enigmatic Hansi Enig-Matik, but for world-weary, middle-aged detective Matt Cubicle this could be his last chance to save his life…. and his marriage.

The body was found in dense underpants on Hampstead Heath, the face hideously mutilated, the thyroid gland carefully removed and around its neck a single piece of paper with the single enigmatic word: single… written on it…but for D.I. Jack Vettriano, this is only the beginning of a dark ride into the dark underbelly of web and corruption that lies at the heart of this dark web of dark sort of stuff.