FEMALE INTUITION

Thank God for feminine intuition. Why, if it wasn’t for feminine intuition married men might start running around leading complex double lives so they could cheat on their wives for years on end. But luckily, thanks to feminine intuition, that could never happen, could it?

A STUDY OF READING HABITS

An old man sits alone in a room with nothing before him except the manuscript of a novel. We do not know who he is or how he got there and pretty soon we realize that actually we couldn’t give a shit anyway, so instead we read an article entitled India Knight’s Weight Loss Journey. We do not know who India Knight is either, but at least there are some nice pictures.

THAT NIGHTMARE

Four a m. I wake up in a cold sickly panic. It’s that nightmare again – the one in which my teenage diaries are being serialized on Radio 4’s Morning Story. Worse still, they are being read by Martin Jarvis.

SMOKE ALARMS

I have been road-testing smoke alarms for an online consumer website. The Ei103CC is smart and functional and takes a single 9 volt battery, while the Homewatch HR1211 has the edge when it comes to ease of installation. However, the one I’d really have to go for the is R101. It’s shaped like a banana, it doesn’t need batteries and it’s voice activated. You just shout: For Christ’s sake it’s only the toaster and it shuts up.