The 'A' level results prove once again that the cleverest people in the country are all 17 or 18. They should run the place. Not only could they solve Global Warming and the Middle East Crisis, but they'd know who Gnarls Barkley was and how to operate an iPOD without getting into a cerfuffle.

Of course, the downside would be that every time you switched on the news, you'd see some oik with his trouser waistband six inches lower than his underpants.

STATE OF ALERT

The country is at its highest possible state of alert ‘Bikini Black’, which is only one below ‘Brown Trouser.’ High Alert means 250 police officers with sub-machine guns and body armour at every airport. As opposed to Low Alert, which is one black man in a kiosk with a puzzle magazine.

CROYDON CROWN COURT

Sometimes there is no one serving at the cafeteria so I help myself. Later on, the staff turn up. I ask for three cups of tea and a flapjack to be taken into consideration.



SOME POPULAR LIFESTYLE MAGAZINES

Leisure Arsonist

Home Circumcisor

Practical Catwaxer

Carp and Carping

Dogs and Dogging

BBC Wildfire Magazine

Dirty Mac User

Trug and Trivet

Alien Spawn Breeder

Coot Fancier

Divorced Gardener

Pagan Weightwatcher

Practical Snood Maker

Paranormal Hang-Glider

Agoraphobics (Travel Section) (Extremely rare edition)